Wednesday 27th November 2019 Prayer Devotion
Scripture Reading:- 2 Samuel 11:1-27
Topic:-My Secret Sin [3]
Text:- Proverbs 28:18
You that want to judge me, how many days have you gone fasting and praying for your own secret sin? Or do you want to tell me that you’re not battling with any private sin?
Man may not be watching you but God watches everything that happens even in the most secret place. So, please don’t judge me. I understand hypocrisy already.
Or have you not read that you should get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye? Oh Young Minister, put yourself right with God first and then we can sit down and talk judgment.
There was this day I rounded off my seven days fasting and prayer. I made up my mind never to see Fred again, never to masturbate again and never to see any guy again.
My determination worked perfectly well for weeks but after a month, I found myself in Fred’s bed again. Pathetic, right? Very pathetic indeed. Fred shouted at me with rage and almost hit me for keeping him for a whole month without sex.
He threatened to quit the relationship but I begged with tears. The only thing that calmed him down was when I promised to spend the night with him instead of going to the vigil.
When it was dawn, I carried my Bible and went home. I did not just return to Fred, I returned to my old way of life.
For years, I continued living such a wayward and bitter life until one particular night.
After satisfying my inordinate desire, I picked up my Bible as usual and began to flip through its pages just to fulfill all righteousness and ease the guilt I was feeling.
I read several pages randomly. The urge to study that night was stronger than the urge for masturbation, even stronger than the urge for sex.
I continued reading carelessly until I came across Psalm 145:18-19. I read it over and over, then over and over and over and over. For more than a dozen time, I was reading just these two verses. I read it until it sank so deeply to my innermost being.
As I continued reading, tears began to well up in my eyes. These were not the emotional tears I used to shed at the pulpit. These were tears I even tried to control but couldn’t. When my Bible was getting soaked, I closed it and dropped it on my bed.
The next thing that happened was mysterious. I found myself on the floor, rolling, crying and praying. “Lord, it’s either now or never. I die here tonight.
“Tonight, I bring into captivity every thought and fleshly pleasure to the obedience of Christ. “My strength, my ability, my will, my wisdom, everything has failed me. It’s just you now oh Lord.”
“Lord, may I never see the rising of the sun again until I’m delivered from every devourer.” “Lord Jesus, except you want me to die in my sin, you will deliver me tonight.”
I knew I was disturbing my parents and probably, neighbours but my problem was bigger than one sleepless night.
I thought I was disturbing my parents, but it didn’t take much time before I heard them blasting in tongues from their room.
That night, I didn’t sleep. Even when I wanted to sleep, I could not. I prayed till dawn then slept off. When I woke up, it was around 9 a.m. I switched on my phone and it was Fred’s message that came in.
“Good morning love. Did thought of you, couldn’t allow me sleep last night. I mesmerized over your beauty and your magical touch till dawn. Wherever you are is exactly where I want to be. I’ve wasted too much time already. I don’t want to waste another single day without you. And I’m ready to make it up for the lost time. Baby do you mind coming over later in the day? I no you woudnt mind. I love you. Expecting you dear, kisses.”
I stared at my phone a bit confused if to reply or not. After a second thought, I pulled off my sim card and broke it into pieces.
“I’m starting afresh,” I murmured. And as if pushed by an external force, I opened my drawer. I stared at the cucumbers and the toys I bought and shame overwhelmed me. Slowly, I began to break everything. “I’m done with you,” I spoke to the toy as though it could hear.
“I’m done with sin,” I continued talking to myself. As I searched my room thoroughly for all the instruments of sin, a song came to my lips: I’m no longer a slave. To sin (fear), I am a child of God. I sang only the chorus for hours reminding myself who I’ve become.
Prayer Point:- I declared that all my secret and known sins, I confess all, have mercy upon me and washed me with Your blood now, and forgive me completely, in the name of Jesus Christ.
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